By Linda Arnold EBS CONTRIBUTOR
“You may be right.”
On their own,
these four words don’t seem to be that powerful. However, when used in the heat
of an argument, they can work wonders.
Case in point: You’re
engaged in a heated argument, and your opponent’s attacking. As with martial
arts, you can take the strength of the attack and deflect it.
I’ve seen this
technique be successful over and over because it works immediately. And you
don’t have to cave in, give up your principles or “roll over.” The statement
doesn’t call for concessions. It merely interrupts the pattern of the attacker
and proposes the theory that he or she may be right.
When a
discussion reaches the argumentative stage, rationale goes out the window. It
becomes more about winning the point. When the attacker hears he or she may be
right, it takes the heat out of the moment.
You don’t even
need to think about whether you’re winning or losing. These four words
neutralize the situation. Just think of the countless conversations you hear
every day, like the bickering couple in a restaurant. “It was Tuesday.” “No, it
was Monday.” “No, it was Tuesday.”
By the time they
get around to the story, it’s already lost its impact.
If you go out in
public, it’s hard to get away from the mindless back-and-forth sparring. We
hear it in lift lines, coffee shops and grocery checkouts.
And, to what
end? Often, being right trumps everything. Winner takes all. What have you
really won, though? A momentary victory, maybe, but at what cost? Any positive
energy that existed earlier has been taken out of the equation, not to mention
the toll this can take on a relationship over time.
Whenever you’re
being attacked in a discussion, don’t attack back. This can be hard because our
internal defense mechanisms automatically kick into gear. If you take the bait,
you’ll only escalate the situation, and then it becomes a competition.
Practice
listening and resist the urge to feed the fire. Over time—and with practice—this
will come more naturally.
Stay focused on
the other person and their feelings, not your own. Just don’t take ownership of
anything they say. Here’s an example:
Your significant
other comes home in a bad mood. He’s had a fight with his boss. He slams things
around. You get upset. He gets upset that you’re upset. And the evening goes
downhill from there.
The key is to
remain calm. Sometimes the best thing to do is give the other person some space.
After invoking the four words, you could go into another area of the house and give
the situation time to cool down.
No doubt about
it, this method takes a lot of practice and patience. While it may not seem
fair, just keep your end goal and your sense of self-esteem intact. Don’t take
it personally. It’s not about you; it’s about them.
Fortunately, in
this living laboratory of life, we’re given lots of opportunities to practice.
The object is to
defuse an argument so that a respectful discussion can take place at a later
time. A calm discussion is the time to consider another person’s views, not when
they’re red in the face and shouting at you.
Just carry your
personal fire extinguisher with you and remember those four magic words: “You
may be right.”
Linda Arnold, M.A., M.B.A., is a
psychological counselor, wellness instructor and Founder of a multistate
marketing company. For more information, visit lindaarnold.org. reader comments
can be sent to linda@lindaarnold.org.